Episode 16: Hello. My name is Joy, and I have anxiety.

As long as I can remember, I have been worried about something.

I remember when my anxiety started. It was sometime in middle school when I started having body image issues mixed with the pressure to do well in school. I started having unexplained stomachaches and trouble sleeping at night. When my parents took me to the doctor, the doctor asked if I was worried about anything. Worried? What would I have to be worried about? There was absolutely no way that my worries were making me have physical stomachaches.

But they were.

And there were a few other times I went to the doctor for the same issues later in life—high school, college, young adulthood. It was not the last time a doctor would tell me that my symptoms or pain were caused by stress and anxiety. And, ever since, I am in a constant state of anxiety (albeit, I am still highly functional, but it’s there nonetheless).

I wake up worried, I go to sleep worried, and I hardly ever feel relaxed (even on vacation where I am writing this from). Even when I don’t have anything to really worry about, my mind finds something to worry about. It’s like I enjoy torturing myself!

Anxiety is defined as worry or fear mixed with uncertainty. For those who have anxiety (like me), our worries are amplified by the unknown or by things we cannot control.

These are some of the random things that make me anxious:
 -Getting to places on time
-If my friend (any friend) is mad at me
-Did I turn my house alarm on/off?
-If my dog will bark at strangers during a walk
-Will someone try and use AI voice recognition to scam my parents?
-Do I have enough money in my bank account?
-Whether I’ll be successful in life

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) usually involves a persistent feeling of anxiety or dread, which can interfere with daily life. It is not the same as occasionally worrying about things or experiencing anxiety due to stressful life events. People living with GAD experience frequent anxiety for months, if not years.

If you have anxiety, too, you know how this feels. It can be a constant battle to tell our brains to stop messing with us and just let us be.

If you live with any sort of anxiety, here are some things that I have found helpful:

Figure out what makes you anxious and map it out.
I just started reading Unwinding Anxiety by Judson Brewer, and the book talks about mapping out anxiety in a way that I hadn’t thought about before. He asks the reader to look at some of their usual cycles of anxiety through the trigger, the behavior that usually follows, and then the result (usually anxiety). If we can first figure out the trigger and our behavior that follows it, we can eventually work towards changing the result.

Notice how you feel when you’re anxious and what triggers it.
We all experience the effects of anxiety in different ways. Sometimes it’s an increased heartbeat, a stomachache, or sometimes it’s so extreme you feel like you might be dying. Sometimes anxiety can be be triggered by something as simple as being hungry with low blood sugar—or it’s other things like a messy desk, an extra busy day, or a tone that your co-worker uses when talking to you.

For me, this part has been my most helpful tool in lessoning my anxiety because it can help me to prevent it from getting worse when I know what triggers it. For example, when I start to feel triggered, I know that I can calm down sooner when I am alone and not surrounded by people. So if I find myself starting to feeling anxious, it helps me to separate myself from others (when possible) and go into my room and do something else to calm myself down and change my state of mind.

Think about how you respond to your own anxiety.
Is it annoying, slightly stressful, or does it completely ruin your day? For me, seeing the result of my anxiety helps me to realize the domino effect I’m often creating for myself. And it reminds me to try and notice those moments (as mentioned above) so I can try and break up the typical cycle of anxiety that occurs in my head. Instead of repeating the same habits, try tackling it in a different way to see if that changes the result. For example, if you’re always triggered by that co-worker who uses a certain tone with you, and your response is always the same which leads you to feeling anxious at work, then try a different completely different response. Or try imagining your co-worker is talking about something/someone completely different.

Think of times/activities/moments that you don’t feel anxious. What are you doing and who are you with?
While we can’t always put ourselves in those seemingly perfect conditions all the time, you’d be surprised how often you can change your mindset by doing some simple activities that you find pleasant and non-anxiety inducing. During the pandemic, being by my computer gave me extra anxiety because I associated it with trying to work, managing my kids’ zoom schooling, and the unknowingness we felt in the early days of the pandemic. I would find that cooking or baking would relieve my anxiety, so I found myself taking longer to cook meals and doing them in a slower and more leisurely pace.

If you don’t have anxiety, some of this might sound unimaginable for you. But likely someone you are close to feels this way every day. It could be your partner, best friend, child, or co-worker.

Here are some ways you can support someone with anxiety:

Don’t say things like, “Don’t worry about it”.
It’s like telling someone who is afraid of heights that “There’s nothing to be scared of!” While what you’re saying might be true, your simplification and dismissal of their concerns or fears is not going to help. Instead, get to know how you can make that person feel more safe and in control.

Get to know their triggers
Are they stressed from being rushed? Are they sensitive to the tones that people use when they speak? Do they not do well in crowded spaces? While we can’t tiptoe around those we love who have anxiety and create a perfect world for them, we can be mindful of triggers that tip them over the edge and do our best to be there for them in those situations. And, if you don’t know what their triggers are, just ask!

Take them to their safe space
Whether it’s a comforting space at home or an activity (like going for a walk) that gets them out of their anxiety loop, sometimes all it takes is a loved one who notices when we’re dysregulated to help break us out of our cycles so we can see it more clearly.

Remind them they are loved.
Often, those who have anxiety react to situations or people in ways they don’t intend to—they avoid, they retreat, they yell, they speak rudely—out of fear and worry of the unknown. Loved ones can often get caught in those moments, and reminding them that you care about them and are willing to help them see through those anxious moments gives them some certainty that they so often crave.

Anxiety is ever-present and all around us. While it sucks when it’s happening, it’s normal for everyone to have some anxiety at some stage of life. Understanding it, learning more about it, and applying what we learn about ourselves is going to help us gain back the control we need to feel happy and go on with our day.

Thank you so much for being here and subscribing to Crazy. Mad. Joy. Whether you’re new to my work or a long time supporter, I appreciate you so much! A paid subscription helps support the love of writing and sharing I am able to do here and keeps it ad-free. And, if you like what you’re reading, please consider sharing with others and encouraging them to subscribe, too.

Woman with marbles in room image created by me with Midjourney AI.